RAW

I am wondering if I should plan an entire funeral or is a memorial service more appropriate.   I have lost my 'sparkle', my glow, that swing in my hips that says "I know you're looking, but you know you're not ready".  I miss my sassy, sexy, brassy self.  I miss my inner Mae West, my inner Bettie Page.  They just left, no forwarding address and the phone is disconnected. 

I wanna cry.  I just cannot believe it.  I don't know what to do to convince them to come back and stay.  I miss my sassy self.  I miss that womyn who KNEW that her love was 'the business'.  That womyn who walked into a room with confidence because she knew what she carried with her; good or bad, she had a sense of her worth and didn't feel less than anyone.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know when someone else has something going on to which I cannot hold a candle, and I admire that in others.  I think its wonderful.  My value was not diminished by any one else's light!  I knew that if I fell in love with someone, they were getting a full, beautiful and passionate love. My space was worth being in. I knew that when I went to work at anything, the instruments I needed were finely tuned.

Somewhere along the way, I left those finely tuned instruments out in the rain.  I neglected myself.  I lost something.  Now, I am hesitant paralyzed.  I feel that nothing about me is.....anything special.  I don't feel that anything about me is worth anyone else's time.  I used to be the sexy thick womyn; the one who could blow your mind any way I wanted. Now, I'm just the fat, nerdy broad.

I'm not trying to have a pity party. Just need to get this out.  And since I am the only person reading this, it may make me feel better to just get it out.  I am not the person I was 3-5 years ago.  I know I should change, but it's supposed to be for the better.  Isn't it?

I feel that I have lost everything.  The sexy, sassy, confident, good girl/bad girl I used to be is no longer here.  Believe me, I keep searching.   Should I offer a reward? It would be worth it.  I must have done something to deserve this, but for the life of me I cannot think of anything for which I haven't apologized.

No, I am not as low as I was a few months ago, but I have to keep reminding myself that I am still raw.  There are few, precious few spots that aren't raw.  The healing is long and hard. This is my coldest winter ever.

If anyone finds my inner Mae West and Bettie Page, my Mama-Mojo, please send them home.

Please.

Peace,
 Stormie

Busy

I am back in school at my advanced age.  The thing of it is, now that I have raised my daughter I cannot get any financial help.   That is not fair.

I am enjoying it though.  I bit off a bit too much by going back full time...nothing like jumping right into the deep end.  So, I am determined not to drown.  Being an 'adult' student helps though.   I am more confident.  I am enjoying writing.  I am nervous though.  The first time I took a class on this campus, I was 17 years old and so lost.  I wasn't confident.  I didn't know what the professor was talking about and I felt that I shouldn't be there.  I felt that everyone else in the room understood.  Now, if I'm lost, I speak up. I assume that other people are lost also, and even if they aren't, I AM.   I am probably annoying to the other students but I don't care about that either.  It's kinda cool.

I actually love all 3 of my classes, all for different reasons.  I really like my women's studies prof.,  she's cool, smart, unabashedly feminist, awesome!   I like my religion class so far because we are reading various theories.  It's sort of dry, but it makes sense and is very interesting. It makes me look at things differently.  My english class is awesome for me because I am learning things that I need to know and enjoying putting it to use.  I sit at the front, and have to make myself not monopolize the conversation.  I love it.  I Love It.  I LOVE IT!

I like to learn.  It feels as good as writing and painting, cooking, creating. 

I even started a poem yesterday.  There's no telling when it will be finished, but I started it.