Self-doubt

Originally posted 6-16-06

I have been accused of being judgmental, stubborn, and opinionated. For the most part, I concur. I am very opinionated. I do not try to insist that others agree with my opinions, but I think we all have the right to our voices. So, I try to exercise mine. I am not so stubborn that I cannot listen to what other people have to say. I am even more than willing to admit that I am wrong, when such occasion presents itself.

As for being judgmental, I bristle at that word. It is something that is often misunderstood and seems more harsh than it is. I have learned to sit back, shut up, and WATCH. I do not often find myself at the center of attention. I shy away from that. I watch people. I study them. I watch for the tell-tales. It's like knowing that the car that just passed you is about to cut you off. You can just tell. Now, I do not pre-judge people. I do not assume anything about people because of their address, or skin color, or manner of dress. But, I can usually read a bullshitter. I can usually tell if someone is trying to hide something by being pushy or nasty. I can usually tell a great deal about people by what they don't say, and how they "don't" say it.

I am saying all of this because one of my biggest issues is my self-doubt. There are things that I just KNOW. Often, I am absolutely correct, and if I am incorrect, it is not often by much. This is just a part of who I am. BUT, so very often, I do not trust myself. I do not listen to ME. I had been so upset about a relationship ending that I did not make sure to go back and pay attention to all that had lead up to it. I felt guilty because for a few months, I had been quiet. I had work, my daughter, my house, and 4 classes keeping me busy. I got quiet, but I had forgotten why. I mean, as you can probably imagine, my plate was overflowing. So, I felt bad when I realized wow, it is not right to not talk and just shut down. One word from someone else and I just felt guilty and started beating myself up.

So, we are supposed to start over, start dating. Well, ok.

deep breath.

So, we are in my room and I am excited about the greeting cards I have come up with. I begin to talk about it, but I am interrupted. There is no interest in my fragile, budding, reawakened creativity. It is my best news right now. It is the only thing that I can say I have done for me. I am so happy and proud. I am so glad to be thinking about colors, and composition that I just can't stand it. It is a part of me that I thought I had left out in a storm; I thought it had been blown away and lost forever. I am so happy to have sketched and being ready to paint that the only thing that would have made it better would have been to share it with someone who loves me. So, Ok, we are starting over and I am supposed to be communicating better. Well, what could be better than sharing fantastic news...

Oh Fuck

How stupid can I be. I went through this before. That is why I stopped talking. That is why I shut down. I was not being heard. I needed to be heard. I mean really, I can go anywhere to find someone who will not listen. I can go anywhere to sleep with someone who does not really care to know me. That is not what I wanted. That is not what I was promised. So, ok, I am hearing the words 'I love you', but what the fuck is that getting me if I am just sitting here holding onto what is my best creative news in the past 6 years, 3 months, and 8 days. That is how long it has been since I last felt my creativity really flowing;I has been since Ash Wednesday, 8 March 2000.

So, I have been asking, what do you love about me and what did you miss. I get a bullshit answer that refers to my ass. Well, if I cross the path of someone who enjoys seeing a nice, big, round, ass then they like it too. So what! I have had this ass for a long time, I have not been flattered by people paying attention to it since I was about fifteen.

Today, I feel lonely. I feel that the only way for my truth to get out is if I type it here. Apparently, it is not important enough for my "love" to hear. This is that same loneliness that caused me to hold my tongue for those months. What was the point of talking if no one was listening?

Today my heart is cloudy, with 100% chance of precipitation.

It's a good thing that I saved the good wine for a rainy day.

Peace and Cheers