Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Dark

I hate the dark. 

No, it's not the same as being afraid of the dark.  Though, I am a little afraid of it too (nervous smile).  I breathe a little easier once I reach the lamp.  I am relieved to see everything is as I left it and no one uninvited is waiting.

That is not what I mean here.  I hate being alone in the dark, with nothing to see, hearing nothing, feeling nothing.  I hate the sensory deprivation. 

I am sensual.  I need to see.  The painter in me caresses things with my eyes.  I enjoy following the line of a face, hand, shoulder with my eyes.  By the time I put my hand out to touch, I feel an anticipation and excitement that I cannot explain.  I enjoy calculating the amount of french ultramarine I would need to add to prussian to get the blue of your shirt.  I enjoy feeling skin next to my own.  I like looking at clothing and by being able to hear and see it, knowing what it will feel like.  I like the feel of a warm hand on the small of my back.  I like the warmth it generates up and down my spine.

I like to hear love in my lover's voice.  Sometimes I am less sophisticated and need the love spoken and spelled out. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not selfish.  I like to give as I wish to receive.  I like to wear soft fabrics to make one wonder if it can even compare to my soft skin.  I like to say what feels good to my body, to my heart, what looks good to my eye.  I like to share what makes the sensations I am living in any moment special. I try to make sure that the people I love know that I do and why I do.

Well, I am not completely selfish because I do want it back. 

I like being called baby or honey or something sweet that says I am cherished.   If someone thinks there is something special about me I would love to know it.  It might just make me walk on clouds all week.  The payback is that I will want to do something to make them feel the same way.  I like to be held as one does precious things.

I  love having my face touched and kissed.  I love it.  In all honesty I love being touched and kissed all over. I try my best to give as good as I get.

I love being held or told I was thought about.  I especially like to know I was missed.  I want to be flirted with and romanced.  I want to be loved back.  I am happy to cook, massage, or run a bath and I feel cherished when those things are done for me.

I like to smell the people I love. (Blushing)  I do.  I always sniff my grand daughters and even my daughter, but don't tell her.  It comforts me.  I don't expect that from anyone else, but if there is something about me that brings comfort it would be beautiful to know.

So, sitting in the dark without any input of touch, sight, taste, sound, or smell is literally painful for me.  It literally hurts me.  I do not know how to not touch the people I love.  In my mind no touch is no love.  If love is felt, sometimes it should be spoken.  Life is too short to not have, show, bring, or feel passion, and if you aren't passionate about the one you are with maybe that says all that it should.

This is not somewhere I can stay.
My spirit cannot thrive in the dark.