Friday, October 12, 2007

Loneliness

I'm an only child. I enjoy my own company. I rarely say that I am bored. Not just because there are not enough hours in the day to complete my 'to do' list, but because I am rather adept at entertaining myself. I am not shy about doing things alone, whether it's a movie or dinner.


I have several things 'on my plate' at the moment, and all of them are stressful. I don't have anyone to go for a walk with. I don't have anyone to look to. You know what I mean, the way you share an unspoken look with someone when things get crazy. It's not that I want anyone else to talk care of me or carry my burden, but it sure would be nice to have company on my journey.


It's not that I don't have friends to talk to, but everyone has their own things going on. I find myself moving through my days alone. And, I share my nights with co-workers whom I like, but I cannot really call them friends. The result is that I am lonely. I try to reach out to the people around me but usually the conversation becomes about them. My one friend is going out of town this weekend, she wants to look good at a party. While I hopeI don't give a fig about what she is going to wear. I just cannot muster the energy to be enthusiastic about her conversation. Then I feel like I am not being a good friend.


I understand that I have quite a load on me right now. It's depressing to live through, so I am CERTAIN that it is depressing to hear. But, I really could use a shoulder to cry on. Someone to bring me soup because they know that it would take entirely too much to get out of bed. Or, better yet, someone to drag me out of bed anyway. Someone to hug me, without a word. I wish I could shake this, but I cannot help wishing that I were not struggling through this alone. This is one of those times when I need to know that someone else understands me.
(Is there anybody in there?)


Yes, I know I need to suck it up. I need to prioritize and walk down the things I can do something about, one at a time. But, that does not change the fact that I need a soft spot in what feels like a very hard, cold world. I could count the times in my life when I have felt so very alone. I don't like it here.
I'm just thinking that it would seem like a shorter journey if I had some company.

I guess it is a chance for me to rely on myself and draw on my inner strength.

So, here I go.
Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons
.Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.Just a little pinprick.
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.