Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Weather Forecast

Weather Forecast for NE Ohio tonight.
Tonight: Occasional rain. Low 46F. Winds SSE at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 70%.

Storm's Forecast
Tonight: Occasional blushing with a 100% chance of happiness. Plentiful clouds for floating.

I love.

She loves.

Saturday, November 8, 2008


My best friend is missing in action. I miss her, I miss our friendship. I miss being able to talk without explaining or tempering what I say. I miss not having to measure my words. I miss being able to talk through what is on my mind.

We used to talk about everything. Deep conversations, uncomfortable topics, the down-and-dirty truth about whatever was going on with us.

Well, I need a down-and-dirty conversation right now. I need to be able to talk about what is going on in my head right now. I have having a problem with some old wounds that I am not sure how to handle. I don't want old crap to come back and choke the life out of what I have now; how unfair would that be! To have lived through some ugly mess only to let the fear of it ruin something good. But the other side of that is what if I am seeing a warning sign? What if this is telling me that I should pay attention now or else I will be reliving that ugly mess? How can I tell the difference? How do I know?

Why the hell am I trying to figure this crap out alone? I need to talk this out. This is bull, where is she? Ok, I understand, she needs to take care of herself, but...

Isn't there some sort of code for friends, if they are real friends? Should one just disappear?
Is that cool?

And, ok, here's the part where I explain...I understand what it's like to need to take time for myself. I understand that there are times when things are so overwhelming that you can't take time for yourself. I've been there. So, I am not heartless, maybe a bit selfish, but not heartless.

I will be here for her when she comes around, but how do I get this other crap off my chest without having to do an industrial clean-up? Ugh.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

So Very Proud Of My Country

I have never been so very proud of my country. I have served in the United States Army. I have a love for this country that is true. As a woman, and an African-American, I have seen things differently than many others see them. I have been treated with the back of the hand, that some other Americans don't know exist. We have a long history, but also we are still starry eyed dreamers who believe in the principles upon which the nation were built.

Today, I feel that this beautiful nation of ours has stepped in the direction of putting our money where our mouths are. We have actually shown that we are not just talking the talk.

Today, I feel that our country is brighter with HOPE from sea to shining sea.

Today, I want to see the Statue of Liberty, because in my heart and in my mind, she is standing taller and her torch is burning brighter.

Today, I want to hug everyone who waited in line with me at the polls here in at a middle school in my middle class suburb. I want to hug the woman who didn't want to be late for work, but stayed in line from 6:20 AM until 8:00 AM (which is the time that I left the building).

Today, I want President-elect Barack Obama to know that it's the middle class who heard him and had the AUDACITY to HOPE.

Currently, only North Carolina is not decided. The electoral votes are 349 Obama, 173 McCain.. That is a resounding Yes We Can!

God Bless the United States of America.

I never thought I'd see this day

Barack Obama has done something I never thought possible.

My heart is full of hope. I am inspired to know that all things really are possible, because Barack Obama has...

shut Jesse Jackson's mouth!

A CHANGE has come, INDEED!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Niagara Falls

I have had the best summer. I cannot recall a better summer in my adult life. It has been full of ups and downs but mostly, it has been sweet and delicious.

This is a great place to let your hair down and relax.

Just don't forget your passport or birth certificate.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Empty Nest

I live alone.

For the first time in my adult life, I live alone.

No one to make a mess after I have just cleaned.

No pet to walk or feed or…pet. Just beautiful plants to water (they are bigger now).

If there is a mess in the kitchen, I made it.

No one to eat the last slice of pie (but there's no pie, I'm dieting--sort of). You know what I mean, though.


Now, don’t get me wrong. I worry about my daughter and especially about my granddaughter. But, I cannot believe how long a roll of toilet paper lasts. And, the carton of milk froze in the fridge because there hasn’t been anyone standing with the door open for 10 minutes. I don’t have to rush home. I don’t have to buy feminine products, or see any. The list continues.

It is fantastic.

I can get out of bed and not wear a robe…or a gown for that matter.

Oh My Goodness. This is Good Stuff.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

For My Lover:

I have never referred to someone as My Lover. I always thought it cheapened the relationship. It seemed to reduce the intimacy, caring, tenderness, laughter, and delicate knowing to just the physical.

But, I have a new understanding of it now. You have made me see that term “My Lover” as being more than a girlfriend, more than someone with whom I am intimate. Since we are still dating, it’s not easy to find the right chord, the perfect title.

If I base it on how I feel with you, who you are to me, what you mean to me; then, Lover is the perfect title.

A Lover is someone who is patient, giving, tender, and sure. A Lover is in no hurry, there is no race to the finish; the point is the journey—no need to rush. A Lover knows that I need to be fulfilled on different levels. A Lover teases my mind, tantalizes my heart, and still satisfies my body. That is you.

You offer harmony when all I find elsewhere is dissonance. With you, I find peace when all else around me seems a war.

And what can I give? What do I have to offer you?

This body? Yes, time and again, but what then?

This heart that I thought too tarnished until you changed it by simply being yourself? This spirit that is learning to soar again?

Do you want my love?

I have no guarantees, no promises. I can only say that I am true in my desire to get closer to you. There is no sleight of hand, no smoke and mirrors; just a little music, some candlelight and my tender heart holding your tender heart.

I am in no hurry. I am enjoying the journey; have no need to rush. I want to fulfill you on different levels. I want to please your mind, and soul. I want to please your body time and again. I want this relaxed, tender, patient rhythm we have found.

So, to you, Baby, I dedicate Me'Shell NdegeOcello's Love Song #3

my joy happiness
no need for doubt
you ease my fears
you open my heart

i want Love
to come lay
down beside me
i want my Love
to come lay
down beside me
i wanna Kiss
the beautiful
come lay down beside me
i wanna Love
i wanna Love

take me to your garden
beneath rivers flow
take me to your
moon and stars
we can just swing low
come take my hand,
listen to the angels sing
come take my hand,
listen to the angels sing
you make me
feel beautiful

i want Love
to come lay
down beside me
i want my Love
to come lay
down beside me
i want to Kiss
the beautiful
come lay down beside me
i wanna Love

take you to paradise
your Love
take you to paradise
your Love
guides me

take you to paradise
your Love
take you to paradise
your Love
guides me

take you to paradise
take you to paradise
your Love
guides me

take you to paradise
take you to paradise
your Love,
your Love

take you to paradise
take me to paradise

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Can you say relaxed?

I am so very relaxed and happy. I had a fabulous weekend. I got to the Met. Sat in traffic, honking and all. Visited Harlem. Ate too much. Enjoyed fabulous company. Slept well, and fell in love...with New York City.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Big Apple

Heading to NYC...I can hardly wait.

The Met, the food, the shopping, the city...the cabbies. I cannot wait.

Isn't the sign in this picture great. "Don't even THINK of parking here." We need that kind of direct, in your face sign here in Cleveland. It's something people would understand.

Friday, May 23, 2008




Not strep?

No. It's probably mono. The blood test will be back in a few days. You have to take it easy. I can write you an excuse for work, you need to rest for three or four days.

This was a portion of my conversation with my doctor last week. I got sick on mother's day. Chills, then a fever, and then in the morning a swollen throat. Well, the nurse and I, and later the Dr., were shocked when the rapid strep test came back negative. They tested me twice.

Now, back in February it also came back negative. But then we assumed it was strep and I was treated as such.

For the past 6 months I have been running myself ragged. I have been existing on 2-4 hours of sleep, working full time, and taking care of my granddaughter. I have been exhausted. I thought that I was so run down because I haven't been taking care of myself--not sleeping, not eating properly. I just figured that I needed to catch up on my sleep.

But it was mono.

OK, no big deal. It's a virus. Get your rest and take it easy while your body gets stronger.
But the issue is that I ignored myself.

If my mother, granddaughter, love....anyone around me had been as wiped out as I was, I would have bugged them about going to the Doctor. I would have nagged about an appointment or kept asking to the point of being a headache. But for myself, I blew it off. I blew off the fact that I was just miserable and couldn't seem to shake it.

I never thought of myself as one of those 'superwoman' types. I never thought I would be one of those women who did not sit down, or go to the doctor because I was just too busy. So many women die too early of heart disease, cancer, hypertension, complications from diabetes, etc. because they don't take care of themselves. I don't want to be one of those women.

I won't be one of those women.

Not again.

Ne me quitte pas - Nina Simone

Nina Simone is one of my absolute favorite singers. Her phrasing, the passion. She was incomparable. Even Jacque Brel's own version is not as incredible as hers.

This is roughly a translation of the lyrics, in all the years I have listened to this song this is the first time that I have bothered to look at the words. Just listen to her voice.

Don't leave me.

We must forget, all that can be forgotten. It is already gone. Forget the times, the misunderstandings, and the time wasted, trying to understand how. Forget those hours, that sometimes kill, the reasons why, the heart of joy.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

Me, I'll offer to you, pearls of rain, from a country, where it doesn't rain. I will mine the earth, until after my death, to cover your body, with gold and light. I will make a land, where love will be king, where love will be law, where you will be queen.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

Don't leave me. I will make for you, foolish words, that you will understand. I will speak to you, of these lovers, who twice saw, their hearts blaze up. I will tell to you the history of a king, who died without, without meeting you.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

It is often seen, fire flashes anew, from an ancient volcano, that one believed too old. When all is done, the burned grounds, gives more corn, better than an April sun. And when the evening comes, so that the sky is aflame, with red and black, are they not married together.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

Don't leave me. I will cry no more, I will speak no more, I will hide myself there. And look at you, dance and smile. And listen to you, sing and then laugh. Let me become to you, a shadow of your shadow, a shadow of your hand, a shadow of your dog.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Pat Parker

Pat Parker (USA) Poet
Sunrise: January 20, 1944
Sunset: June 1989

“If I could take all my parts with me when I go
somewhere, and not have to say to one of them, ‘No, you stay home tonight, you won't be welcome,’ because I'm going to an all-white party where I can be gay, but not Black. Or I'm going to a Black poetry reading, and half the poets are anti-homosexual, or thousands of situations where something of what I am cannot come with me. The day all the different parts of me can come along, we would have what I would call a revolution”

I used to think that there was never going to be a place and time when ALL of my parts would be welcome anywhere. Actually, I still think it, but now it doesn't matter. I take all of me almost everywhere. I realized very early on that I was not who/what people expected. The setting did not matter; I was a misfit. My style, appetite, sexuality, music, everything was just wrong. It seems that there was always something suspect about me.

I say was not because anything has changed but because it no longer matters. I know that I have to honor all that I am. I have to 'tend that inward fire' (to quote Van Gogh). It is ok that others scratch their heads or do a double take, I can embrace myself. I celebrate those seemingly opposing sides of me.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

That word 'queer'

queer /kwɪər/ SpelledPronunciation[kweer] adjective, -er, -est,
verb, noun


1. strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually
different;singular: a queer notion of justice.

2. of a questionable nature or character; suspicious; shady: Something queer about the language of the prospectus kept investors away.

3. not feeling physically right or well; giddy, faint, or qualmish: to feel

4. mentally unbalanced or deranged.

5. Slang: Disparaging and Offensive.

a. homosexual.

b. effeminate; unmanly.

6. Slang. bad, worthless, or counterfeit.

–verb (used with object)

7. to spoil; ruin.

8. to put (a person) in a hopeless or disadvantageous situation as to
success, favor, etc.

9. to jeopardize.


10. Slang: Disparaging and Offensive. a homosexual, esp. a
male homosexual.

11. Slang. counterfeit money.


12. queer the pitch, British Informal. to spoil the chances of success.

[Origin: 1500–10;perh. <>

—Synonyms 1. unconventional, curious, freakish, eccentric, weird. See strange.

—Antonyms 1. ordinary.

Dictionary.comUnabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged
Dictionary, © RandomHouse, Inc. 2006.

OK, I have a problem with this word. I don't know why, really. It sounds kinda cute when you say it, but I don't like being called queer.

Lesbian? Thank you.

Dyke? Umm, ok.

Bulldagger? I don't like this one either and it makes me laugh directed at me, but it's not a word I use towards others ever.

Woman who loves womyn or womyn-centered? Ok, but why dance around.

Queer? No, I am not counterfeit. I don't think my sexuality makes me of questionable character. Although my viewpoint is unconventional, I think most of ours are. I am not ruined, hopeless, or in jeopardy. And, though there are some who question my sanity, I am far from being deranged.

I just don't like the word. It's the whole connotation of the word. It says to me, there's something not quite right there. And while I know that a lot of people outside of the community would agree with this characterization, I won't define myself by them.

I also don't like to refer to dominant/aggressive/tomboy or tomboi/butch womyn as studs. It doesn't sit well with me, but I do respect the label others give themselves.

It's one of those words that have been used against the community. So, to lessen the sting people figure they could adopt it and make it ok. I can't get there.

Just my opinion.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

just a few fine womyn...

Sharon Bridgforth,

Skyler Cooper

Toshi Reagon

Pippa Fleming,


Mercy, mercy me.

There is something to be said for butch womyn...

there is a Sexy Dark Chocolate womyn missing--I don't have her pic.


Saturday, April 26, 2008

Fleeting thought

So many want to move to warmer, sunnier climates,

but if you really knew what rainy days do to me,

we'd be somewhere in the Pacific Northwest...

and you would be singing in the rain.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

I love butch women

OK, what in the world is it that you all do? How do you do it?

The walk. Head high, shoulders back. to speak. Almost a swagger, but umm, so smooth.

Those hands. Handy, strong, sure...damn.

The shoes. OK, I have to sit down. A beautiful pair of square toed shoes or crisp white sneakers.

The cologne. Just enough to make me have to lean in a little more. Heaven help me.

It is amazing.

Hair that is short, or not. Creased jeans, or maybe not.
A handkerchief-- Yes, I said a handkerchief...makes me blush.
Chapstick, lickable.

I just love butch women. You all are amazing.

Thank you.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Renewed, almost.

The past few months have probably been the most trying time in my life.

Everything spiralled out of control and I found myself standing by myself. I felt so small and worthless. I felt so completely alone. There was no one to be found, but I had tons of strings attached to me. There were strings leading to small things: the cat, the lawn, the vacuum cleaner, a broken window...just stuff.

Then there was this one huge rope, that could be used to anchor a ship. Now this rope began with my daughter, except she was nowhere to be found. This rope had so many things attached to it that I thought I would suffocate with all of the knots and just the sheer volume of it. I heard a noise, I had missed something and had to find what it was. As I got closer, I heard crying, it was my granddaughter. I picked her up, fed her, put her on my back and continued on.

I found one rope that had nothing attached to the end; that one was left behind by the lover who promised love, but tried to break my spirit because she did not understand how I could love and not ask for something in return.

During this unraveling I got tired, lost sleep, went through a period of denial, went through a period of anger. I wanted to cry but was just too damned tired.

I kept finding so many ropes with nothing and no one on the ends. My sister, aunt...gone. Wow, did I do something?

At one point one of the ropes pulled me, it was my best friend. She tried to help navigate, but there was only enough room for me, so she offered encouragement, advice and support. I thanked God for her, then I put her in my pocket for safe keeping.

Now, I have piles of things to get to and organize but I have gotten some things accomplished. I am still exhausted but I feel better.

Finally I had a revelation that although it is not clean, simple, or neat...I am able to look around and see exactly who and what I can rely upon.

At first I was crushed. What did I do? Why is everyone mad at me? What happened? But the more I cleared things away and looked at things I saw that it wasn't me. I was just the one left standing after the mess was left behind.

It has taken so long to get my head up. It has taken months for me to realize that stuff happens to people and it does not define who they are. What matters is what I do with it, and how I handle it. What matters is how I 'wear' it.

It took me a minute to get back to the point where I can sit across a table and look someone in their eyes and know that I am flawed but not devalued. I am worthy. I am no less a good woman. I am no less funny, articulate, creative, sexy, honest...I was no less anything. I am not defined by my circumstances. I am worth knowing. I am worth the time it takes to stop and take a closer look.

My neighbor has these flowers in his yard every year. Nasturtium, the flower is usually under the big flat leaves. The flower tastes peppery, like a radish. He explained this 3 years ago when I moved in, but I don't like radishes so I kept moving through their paradise. Last year I finally pulled one of the flowers off and ate it. It was delicious, better tasting than a radish and very appealing on a salad.

I am like that flower. I am not the prettiest, but by far the tastiest surprise for someone willing to take the time.

This is not a bad place to be.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I will blame it on spring

Ok, I will blame this post on Spring. Northeast Ohio winters can leave me quite desperate for sunshine and fresh air. Yesterday was the first real kiss of spring. I was out without a coat.

I am positively giddy. Who knows for how long, and I dare not question why. This is so much better than...not being giddy.

So, I was playing with my poetry magnets tonight. I let my eyes fall on random words. (You know the mind is a very dark place sometimes.) This is the unedited copy of what I saw:

Make me...
















See, I really should edit myself 99.5% of the time. Though at 2:50 AM I am far less likely to do so.

Since this was what I came up with first the rest of the words seemed worth exploring...but, the further I went through them and the more I wrote...let's just say I don't want to start any fires.