Grace and time

God is Great.

  There has been so much growth and love in my heart that I am amazed. God's grace has lifted so much sadness and pain from my heart.  A few years ago I lost a cousin to cancer. My sister and I drove to Chicago for the funeral.  I rarely see my extended family.  I love them but like so many families we don't see each other except for funerals.

    Of the group of us who grew up together,  I am the youngest by more than 4 years.   In the  extended  paternal side of my family, there was a great deal of abuse, addictions, incest, rape, prison. I mean, you name it and someone in my family probably did it.  So, this week I realized that the molestation I endured at the hand of one of my cousins was a lesion which was passed on to him.  He is a cog in the wheel. No, I am not excusing him, but I see things differently.  I see him as a victim as well.  I see him as a teen with too much of the wrong information.  I was able to see him through an adult lens.

      tried to imagine the teen boy with the worst sort of people around him. Someone who had neber been sheltered from the worst things in society. Looking at him as an adult, I saw a man killing himself with a drug addiction and it made me sad for him.  I don't wish that sort of pain on anyone.  I saw him as someone trying to dull his pain.  I did not want to add on to that.  I was able to forgive him. This is such a simple sentence, but the peace and healing was profound.  

    I called him a few weeks later and told him so.  And while his response was flippant, a few months later he had gone to rehab, joined a church and a work program and looked so much better. He was so much better. He still has demons. Neither of us would ever forget any of it. And, I would never trust him alone with a child. I'm no fool.

    I don't think any of his progress had anything to do with me.  But, I am so glad that God lifted that pain from me. I am so glad to be done with a burden that no longer served me. I carry the knowledge and understanding, but the burden of anger dissolved. Something that had been unwieldy for my whole life, slotted into a manageable place. It's not something I wanted or deserved but it's no longer eating away at me. I am so amazed by His grace and healing. 

Peace

The Kindness of Strangers

The kindness of strangers is so often a blessing. It is another proof of goodness, truly Godliness in this world. This is a great thing. Seeing how beautifully we louse things up with the people we know, it's good to know that there are strangers who are willing to help.

The beauty of being a stranger is that when the opportunity to be kind presents itself, we decide based on our own compass, without having to factor in the degree of the damage we've already taken.

My Sweetest

How could I not smile?

Simple Delights

Synchronicity

There are times when I have terrible perceptions of myself. I will doubt even the most basic things. I have said this before, but I can cook a meal regularly, but every once in a while will question that I know how to properly feed anyone.

The universe has been moving for me in profound ways; in ways that I cannot say I believed I deserved. I have been attending church for the past month. Nearly every week, I get a message about my artwork. I have only mentioned the messages to two or three people. This past Sunday, as I was getting ready, my daughter told me I should start painting again.

"I miss your artwork" she said.

I nearly cried. I was beyond touched. I understood in that moment that what I had said with my art mattered, and not just to me.

For six (6) years my creativity was silent. I did not write. I did not paint. I felt that I had nothing to say. Nothing that mattered.

This morning, one of my co-workers said that I have fire and passion in my eyes when I talk about my art, and I put that same fire and passion in everything I do. I did not think that this man paid any attention to me other than the occasional conversation. I was blown away. I felt a little more comfortable about sharing it even more.

There is no such thing as chance. There is sychronicity. I went back to church because I needed a few things:a new love with whom I could be safe, secure, and open, to get in touch with my creative voice, and to feel safe in sharing that voice. There is power and grace in prayer. There is power in naming what you want from the universe. There are no accidents. I am being answered in abundance.

I am humbled and I am blessed.

peace.