Pouting

My best friend is missing in action. I miss her, I miss our friendship. I miss being able to talk without explaining or tempering what I say. I miss not having to measure my words. I miss being able to talk through what is on my mind.

We used to talk about everything. Deep conversations, uncomfortable topics, the down-and-dirty truth about whatever was going on with us.

Well, I need a down-and-dirty conversation right now. I need to be able to talk about what is going on in my head right now. I have having a problem with some old wounds that I am not sure how to handle. I don't want old crap to come back and choke the life out of what I have now; how unfair would that be! To have lived through some ugly mess only to let the fear of it ruin something good. But the other side of that is what if I am seeing a warning sign? What if this is telling me that I should pay attention now or else I will be reliving that ugly mess? How can I tell the difference? How do I know?

Why the hell am I trying to figure this crap out alone? I need to talk this out. This is bull, where is she? Ok, I understand, she needs to take care of herself, but...

Isn't there some sort of code for friends, if they are real friends? Should one just disappear?
Is that cool?

And, ok, here's the part where I explain...I understand what it's like to need to take time for myself. I understand that there are times when things are so overwhelming that you can't take time for yourself. I've been there. So, I am not heartless, maybe a bit selfish, but not heartless.

I will be here for her when she comes around, but how do I get this other crap off my chest without having to do an industrial clean-up? Ugh.