Saturday, March 21, 2009

2009, so far

I know I had fallen off the face of the earth for a while. I am not as disciplined as I would like about this blog. So far, I have to say I like 2009. It's not perfect by any stretch, but I like it still.

I am in a good space. I am working on some things that I have wanted to do for myself for a long time. Those things that had to wait until I had raised my daughter. Actually, I have a whole shopping list and I have to figure out what to do first. This is a great spot to be in.

The New Year did bring with it some old insecurities that need to be addressed. I try to tell my loved ones that that's what they are. I miss my granddaughter every day, I tell her so. I worry about my daughter, but I am proud of her and I tell her. I am in love. That is it's own posting; I had given up. What is difficult for me is sometimes I push too hard rather than just accepting people for who they are and being patient. When I am patient, I get the most beautiful gifts. When I am impatient and concentrate on what I need, I only see things as half empty. I am trying to keep this in mind so that I do not keep tripping over it. It is not easy. I have probably talked about this very thing before.

One of the people I just love having in my life--even though she has been M.I.A. lately-- is my best friend. We just 'click'. A little over a year ago, the people I met were just so shabby that it was laughable. I started to wonder what was wrong with me. Then I decided that I would just be by myself for a while. I had actually gotten comfortable with that thought. She knew I was done before I had ever said anything. She knew it and read it on me before I ever spoke it. I appreciate that she understood how frustrated I was and was supportive. It's one thing to not meet 'that someone' but to really not meet people that I was even interested in calling...ugh. I love having a friend that understands not just the surface, but the ripples and the undertow as well. I am grateful for her friendship.

So, a year ago tomorrow, she and I were out at a party and she introduced me to someone she knew. Casual introduction, that I'm her best friend, good people, and love to dance. I knew the first time we danced that I needed to pay attention to this woman. I loved the way her hand warmed my back. I loved how secure I felt. Then, I got nervous while dancing with her. I never get nervous when I meet people. I called her that next morning, Easter Sunday. That conversation was relaxed, easy, and I have been calling back for the past year.

Being in love is good for my health. Her love is incredible. She's relaxed, laid back, and confident. I have never before been nervous about a relationship. I may be excited or over it. In love or not; never nervous. Anxious to get it right. Afraid that my cooking is not good enough, that my house is never clean enough, that I am not enough. That I am not enough. I have never before wanted to be complete in who I am, or more. She makes me want to be my best for her. Not because she is demanding or judgemental or harsh; she's none of that. And, because she is not any of those things, because she's wonderful to talk to, understanding, caring, and incredible, I want to be all of that for her.

I am so grateful that I thank God for blessing me with someone that is unphased by my dark humor, or sarcasm. I suspect that she's tired of where my insecurities take me...but somehow she weathers it. (In my defense, I had been on the wagon since early summer). I can be such an ass. She knows that too, and she's still here.

Yes, so far 2009 is alright.


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