Happiness and Change

    This past weekend I met with a group of women who are new to me.  This is my second month meeting with them and I am nervous and excited to be in their midst.  I find them interesting and creative, intelligent and funny, myriad and beautiful.  I found myself trying to figure out how I factor into this group.  I have, so far, come away with some new pebble to turn over repeatedly in terms of a new thought or way of looking at things.  It's an exciting addition to my life and since being a feminist is really central to who I am, it's an honor.

    So, we talked about change. At first I thought, well I don't have any big changes going on so I'll be doing a lot of listening. Change is terrifying for me. Change can incapacitate me. No, I don't get uptight because I have to learn something new or a brand changes it's packaging.  I am talking about real changes: moving, a new job, ending or beginning a relationship.  The real stuff stops me in my tracks.  I would sit still in an unhealthy relationship for years before braving the unknown.  My best friend and I call it dealing with the blank.  I don't want to do it, anything beats the blank. 

   As I began talking I realized, I have a great deal of change in my life right now.  I mean really, my life in about six months will look unlike it has in my whole life.  The way things are is drastically different from how it was 2 years ago.  This is the first time in my adult life that I have only had to take care of myself.  I am free to do whatever I want.

   So, I took three classes last semester.  I am not sure that the 'American Dream' of the house in the suburbs is going to fit my life--or pocket.  If I wake up and don't cook or clean, then so what.  It's actually foreign to me.  I have finally gotten used to living alone, for the most part.

    So, if I want to pick up and move across the country, I can.  If I want to quit my job and take a position that pays less but is more fulfilling, I can.  I don't want to make less money or worry about benefits. I also don't want to sit in a position with zero opportunity for growth. 

    My cousin, Nick, has been trying to get me to move to Las Vegas for at least 8 years.  He can't understand why I insist on having a job before I move.  It was different then, I had my daughter.  However, I still have that hesitation.  I hate this city; the weather, the people, the mentality. The only thing I absolutely adore is the lake.  Living by a lake is incredible.  I cannot imagine living somewhere without a large body of water.

    I actually have a great deal of change in my life.  It's quite a crossroads.  Like most major crossroads I have faced, it has come towards the end of a major depression. It's as if I have to go through some horrible emotional rebirth and if I manage to survive, everything is different.  The problem is that I often lose something along the way.  This journey has cost me dearly and I just don't know how much more I can lose.

   OK, yes, that really is bullshit.  I do realize that if I stay, I will still be depressed and will lose even more. I realize that I would probably lose less if I didn't fight change until all I had left were tatters.  If I were to let go when that first insistent gust tried to urge me on my way, I would be better off.  I wouldn't have lost my rose-colored glasses, my sense of easiness and confidence with myself, or my confidence in my creativity.

   So, I guess the question now is, how much more do I need to lose. What am I willing to do without?  I already have precious little sanity, and my creativity is starting to slowly brew again. 

  Wow.  I lose even more when I fight change.

  That's big.

  So, now what do I do?  Where do I start?

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i went and got a nice big box,
i wrapped it with a nice big bow,
i gave it to my lover,
i gave it to my love.

she put the lid back on the box
and moved it to the side.
she thanked me for my thoughtfulness
and said she knows i tried.

imagine my surprise to see, oh my surprise to find
my love used it to dust the room and make the windows shine.
she tidied up her room and then to clean the car
and after all that work, it's on the floor in the dark.

she used it til it shredded and dulled.  she used it til it faded
she used it til it fell apart, was all used up and degraded.
she threw it in the garbage can, she threw it in the bin,
Now she wants me to show my love, where do I begin?