This past weekend I met with a group of women who are new to me. This is my second month meeting with them and I am nervous and excited to be in their midst. I find them interesting and creative, intelligent and funny, myriad and beautiful. I found myself trying to figure out how I factor into this group. I have, so far, come away with some new pebble to turn over repeatedly in terms of a new thought or way of looking at things. It's an exciting addition to my life and since being a feminist is really central to who I am, it's an honor.
So, we talked about change. At first I thought, well I don't have any big changes going on so I'll be doing a lot of listening. Change is terrifying for me. Change can incapacitate me. No, I don't get uptight because I have to learn something new or a brand changes it's packaging. I am talking about real changes: moving, a new job, ending or beginning a relationship. The real stuff stops me in my tracks. I would sit still in an unhealthy relationship for years before braving the unknown. My best friend and I call it dealing with the blank. I don't want to do it, anything beats the blank.
As I began talking I realized, I have a great deal of change in my life right now. I mean really, my life in about six months will look unlike it has in my whole life. The way things are is drastically different from how it was 2 years ago. This is the first time in my adult life that I have only had to take care of myself. I am free to do whatever I want.
So, I took three classes last semester. I am not sure that the 'American Dream' of the house in the suburbs is going to fit my life--or pocket. If I wake up and don't cook or clean, then so what. It's actually foreign to me. I have finally gotten used to living alone, for the most part.
So, if I want to pick up and move across the country, I can. If I want to quit my job and take a position that pays less but is more fulfilling, I can. I don't want to make less money or worry about benefits. I also don't want to sit in a position with zero opportunity for growth.
My cousin, Nick, has been trying to get me to move to Las Vegas for at least 8 years. He can't understand why I insist on having a job before I move. It was different then, I had my daughter. However, I still have that hesitation. I hate this city; the weather, the people, the mentality. The only thing I absolutely adore is the lake. Living by a lake is incredible. I cannot imagine living somewhere without a large body of water.
I actually have a great deal of change in my life. It's quite a crossroads. Like most major crossroads I have faced, it has come towards the end of a major depression. It's as if I have to go through some horrible emotional rebirth and if I manage to survive, everything is different. The problem is that I often lose something along the way. This journey has cost me dearly and I just don't know how much more I can lose.
OK, yes, that really is bullshit. I do realize that if I stay, I will still be depressed and will lose even more. I realize that I would probably lose less if I didn't fight change until all I had left were tatters. If I were to let go when that first insistent gust tried to urge me on my way, I would be better off. I wouldn't have lost my rose-colored glasses, my sense of easiness and confidence with myself, or my confidence in my creativity.
So, I guess the question now is, how much more do I need to lose. What am I willing to do without? I already have precious little sanity, and my creativity is starting to slowly brew again.
Wow. I lose even more when I fight change.
So, now what do I do? Where do I start?