Pouting

My best friend is missing in action. I miss her, I miss our friendship. I miss being able to talk without explaining or tempering what I say. I miss not having to measure my words. I miss being able to talk through what is on my mind.

We used to talk about everything. Deep conversations, uncomfortable topics, the down-and-dirty truth about whatever was going on with us.

Well, I need a down-and-dirty conversation right now. I need to be able to talk about what is going on in my head right now. I have having a problem with some old wounds that I am not sure how to handle. I don't want old crap to come back and choke the life out of what I have now; how unfair would that be! To have lived through some ugly mess only to let the fear of it ruin something good. But the other side of that is what if I am seeing a warning sign? What if this is telling me that I should pay attention now or else I will be reliving that ugly mess? How can I tell the difference? How do I know?

Why the hell am I trying to figure this crap out alone? I need to talk this out. This is bull, where is she? Ok, I understand, she needs to take care of herself, but...

Isn't there some sort of code for friends, if they are real friends? Should one just disappear?
Is that cool?

And, ok, here's the part where I explain...I understand what it's like to need to take time for myself. I understand that there are times when things are so overwhelming that you can't take time for yourself. I've been there. So, I am not heartless, maybe a bit selfish, but not heartless.

I will be here for her when she comes around, but how do I get this other crap off my chest without having to do an industrial clean-up? Ugh.

So Very Proud Of My Country

I have never been so very proud of my country. I have served in the United States Army. I have a love for this country that is true. As a woman, and an African-American, I have seen things differently than many others see them. I have been treated with the back of the hand, that some other Americans don't know exist. We have a long history, but also we are still starry eyed dreamers who believe in the principles upon which the nation were built.

Today, I feel that this beautiful nation of ours has stepped in the direction of putting our money where our mouths are. We have actually shown that we are not just talking the talk.

Today, I feel that our country is brighter with HOPE from sea to shining sea.

Today, I want to see the Statue of Liberty, because in my heart and in my mind, she is standing taller and her torch is burning brighter.

Today, I want to hug everyone who waited in line with me at the polls here in at a middle school in my middle class suburb. I want to hug the woman who didn't want to be late for work, but stayed in line from 6:20 AM until 8:00 AM (which is the time that I left the building).

Today, I want President-elect Barack Obama to know that it's the middle class who heard him and had the AUDACITY to HOPE.

Currently, only North Carolina is not decided. The electoral votes are 349 Obama, 173 McCain.. That is a resounding Yes We Can!

God Bless the United States of America.

I never thought I'd see this day

Barack Obama has done something I never thought possible.

My heart is full of hope. I am inspired to know that all things really are possible, because Barack Obama has...

shut Jesse Jackson's mouth!

A CHANGE has come, INDEED!

Niagara Falls

I have had the best summer. I cannot recall a better summer in my adult life. It has been full of ups and downs but mostly, it has been sweet and delicious.

This is a great place to let your hair down and relax.

Just don't forget your passport or birth certificate.

Empty Nest

I live alone.

For the first time in my adult life, I live alone.


No one to make a mess after I have just cleaned.

No pet to walk or feed or…pet. Just beautiful plants to water (they are bigger now).

If there is a mess in the kitchen, I made it.

No one to eat the last slice of pie (but there's no pie, I'm dieting--sort of). You know what I mean, though.

Yippeeee.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I worry about my daughter and especially about my granddaughter. But, I cannot believe how long a roll of toilet paper lasts. And, the carton of milk froze in the fridge because there hasn’t been anyone standing with the door open for 10 minutes. I don’t have to rush home. I don’t have to buy feminine products, or see any. The list continues.

It is fantastic.

I can get out of bed and not wear a robe…or a gown for that matter.

Oh My Goodness. This is Good Stuff.

For My Lover:

I have never referred to someone as My Lover. I always thought it cheapened the relationship. It seemed to reduce the intimacy, caring, tenderness, laughter, and delicate knowing to just the physical.

But, I have a new understanding of it now. You have made me see that term “My Lover” as being more than a girlfriend, more than someone with whom I am intimate. Since we are still dating, it’s not easy to find the right chord, the perfect title.

If I base it on how I feel with you, who you are to me, what you mean to me; then, Lover is the perfect title.

A Lover is someone who is patient, giving, tender, and sure. A Lover is in no hurry, there is no race to the finish; the point is the journey—no need to rush. A Lover knows that I need to be fulfilled on different levels. A Lover teases my mind, tantalizes my heart, and still satisfies my body. That is you.

You offer harmony when all I find elsewhere is dissonance. With you, I find peace when all else around me seems a war.

And what can I give? What do I have to offer you?

This body? Yes, time and again, but what then?

This heart that I thought too tarnished until you changed it by simply being yourself? This spirit that is learning to soar again?

Do you want my love?

I have no guarantees, no promises. I can only say that I am true in my desire to get closer to you. There is no sleight of hand, no smoke and mirrors; just a little music, some candlelight and my tender heart holding your tender heart.

I am in no hurry. I am enjoying the journey; have no need to rush. I want to fulfill you on different levels. I want to please your mind, and soul. I want to please your body time and again. I want this relaxed, tender, patient rhythm we have found.

So, to you, Baby, I dedicate Me'Shell NdegeOcello's Love Song #3

my joy happiness
no need for doubt
you ease my fears
you open my heart

i want Love
to come lay
down beside me
i want my Love
to come lay
down beside me
i wanna Kiss
the beautiful
come lay down beside me
i wanna Love
i wanna Love

take me to your garden
beneath rivers flow
take me to your
moon and stars
we can just swing low
come take my hand,
listen to the angels sing
come take my hand,
listen to the angels sing
you make me
feel beautiful

i want Love
to come lay
down beside me
i want my Love
to come lay
down beside me
i want to Kiss
the beautiful
come lay down beside me
i wanna Love

take you to paradise
your Love
take you to paradise
your Love
guides me

take you to paradise
your Love
take you to paradise
your Love
guides me

take you to paradise
take you to paradise
your Love
guides me

take you to paradise
take you to paradise
your Love,
your Love

take you to paradise
take me to paradise

Can you say relaxed?

I am so very relaxed and happy. I had a fabulous weekend. I got to the Met. Sat in traffic, honking and all. Visited Harlem. Ate too much. Enjoyed fabulous company. Slept well, and fell in love...with New York City.

The Big Apple

Heading to NYC...I can hardly wait.

The Met, the food, the shopping, the city...the cabbies. I cannot wait.

Isn't the sign in this picture great. "Don't even THINK of parking here." We need that kind of direct, in your face sign here in Cleveland. It's something people would understand.

Mono!!??!!

Mono?


Mono.


Not strep?


No. It's probably mono. The blood test will be back in a few days. You have to take it easy. I can write you an excuse for work, you need to rest for three or four days.

This was a portion of my conversation with my doctor last week. I got sick on mother's day. Chills, then a fever, and then in the morning a swollen throat. Well, the nurse and I, and later the Dr., were shocked when the rapid strep test came back negative. They tested me twice.


Now, back in February it also came back negative. But then we assumed it was strep and I was treated as such.


For the past 6 months I have been running myself ragged. I have been existing on 2-4 hours of sleep, working full time, and taking care of my granddaughter. I have been exhausted. I thought that I was so run down because I haven't been taking care of myself--not sleeping, not eating properly. I just figured that I needed to catch up on my sleep.

But it was mono.

OK, no big deal. It's a virus. Get your rest and take it easy while your body gets stronger.
But the issue is that I ignored myself.

If my mother, granddaughter, love....anyone around me had been as wiped out as I was, I would have bugged them about going to the Doctor. I would have nagged about an appointment or kept asking to the point of being a headache. But for myself, I blew it off. I blew off the fact that I was just miserable and couldn't seem to shake it.

I never thought of myself as one of those 'superwoman' types. I never thought I would be one of those women who did not sit down, or go to the doctor because I was just too busy. So many women die too early of heart disease, cancer, hypertension, complications from diabetes, etc. because they don't take care of themselves. I don't want to be one of those women.

I won't be one of those women.

Not again.

Ne me quitte pas - Nina Simone

Nina Simone is one of my absolute favorite singers. Her phrasing, the passion. She was incomparable. Even Jacque Brel's own version is not as incredible as hers.

This is roughly a translation of the lyrics, in all the years I have listened to this song this is the first time that I have bothered to look at the words. Just listen to her voice.

Don't leave me.

We must forget, all that can be forgotten. It is already gone. Forget the times, the misunderstandings, and the time wasted, trying to understand how. Forget those hours, that sometimes kill, the reasons why, the heart of joy.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.


Me, I'll offer to you, pearls of rain, from a country, where it doesn't rain. I will mine the earth, until after my death, to cover your body, with gold and light. I will make a land, where love will be king, where love will be law, where you will be queen.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.


Don't leave me. I will make for you, foolish words, that you will understand. I will speak to you, of these lovers, who twice saw, their hearts blaze up. I will tell to you the history of a king, who died without, without meeting you.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.


It is often seen, fire flashes anew, from an ancient volcano, that one believed too old. When all is done, the burned grounds, gives more corn, better than an April sun. And when the evening comes, so that the sky is aflame, with red and black, are they not married together.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.


Don't leave me. I will cry no more, I will speak no more, I will hide myself there. And look at you, dance and smile. And listen to you, sing and then laugh. Let me become to you, a shadow of your shadow, a shadow of your hand, a shadow of your dog.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.