Friday, May 11, 2012

"In The Morning" by Paul Laurence Dunbar

Oh, my goodness.   All of a sudden the first two lines of this poem came to mind.  I LOVE THIS POEM.  This poem made me fall in love with poetry.  Because, I could hear her voice.  My grandmother, "Mama" was a southern woman and I could just hear her fussing at either my cousin or me.  And, I ADORED Mama, so this poem just tickled me beyond belief.

I was very young when I found this poem.  I want to say around 2nd or 3rd grade.  My parents would look at me sideways when I read it aloud.  They didn't expect this to come from their proper little girl. But this poem was comforting in a beautiful way. Those two years I had the best teacher, Ms. Grace White Ware (especially when you consider that she taught two grades simultaneously).  She was simply phenomenal.  I thank her for sowing a seed that is still growing strong.

And on a terrible, horrible, not so very good day, I truly needed a reason to smile from my inside out.  I am so thankful for all of my teachers.

In the Morning
by Paul Laurence Dunbar

‘Lias! ‘Lias! Bless de Lawd!
Don’ you know de day’s erbroad?
Ef you don’ git up, you scamp,
Dey’ll be trouble in dis camp.
T’ink I gwine to let you sleep
W’ile I meks yo’ boa’d an’ keep?
Dat’s a putty howdy-do–
Don’ you hyeah me, ‘Lias–you?

Bet ef I come crost dis flo’
You won’ fin’ no time to sno’.
Daylight all a-shinin’ in
W’ile you sleep–w’y hit’s a sin!
Ain’t de can’le-light enough
To bu’n out widout a snuff,
But you go de mo’nin’ thoo
Bu’nin’ up de daylight too?

‘Lias, don’ you hyeah me call?
No use tu’nin’ to’ds de wall;
I kin hyeah dat mattuss squeak;
Don’ you hyeah me w’en I speak?
Dis hyeah clock done struck off six–
Ca’line, bring me dem ah sticks!
Oh, you down, suh; huh, you down–
Look hyeah, don’ you daih to frown.

Ma’ch you’se’f an’ wash yo’ face,
Don’ you splattah all de place;
I got somep’n else to do,
‘Sides jes’ cleanin’ aftah you.
Tek dat comb an’ fix yo’ haid–
Looks je’ lak a feddah baid.
Look hyeah, boy, I let you see
You sha’n't roll yo’ eyes at me.
Come hyeah; bring me dat ah strap!
Boy, I’ll whup you ‘twell you drap;
You done felt yo’se’f’ too strong,
An’ you sholy got me wrong.
Set down at dat table thaih;
Jes’ you whimpah ef you daih!

Evah mo’nin’ on dis place,
Seem lak I mus’ lose my grace.
Fol’ yo’ han’s an’ bow yo’ haid–
Wait ontwell de blessin’ ‘s said;
“Lawd, have mussy on ouah souls–
(Don’ you daih to tech dem rolls–)
“Bless de food we gwine to eat–”
(You set still–I see yo’ feet;
You jes’ try dat trick agin!)
“Gin us peace an’ joy. Amen!”



Monday, March 19, 2012

RAW

I am wondering if I should plan an entire funeral or is a memorial service more appropriate.   I have lost my 'sparkle', my glow, that swing in my hips that says "I know you're looking, but you know you're not ready".  I miss my sassy, sexy, brassy self.  I miss my inner Mae West, my inner Bettie Page.  They just left, no forwarding address and the phone is disconnected. 

I wanna cry.  I just cannot believe it.  I don't know what to do to convince them to come back and stay.  I miss my sassy self.  I miss that womyn who KNEW that her love was 'the business'.  That womyn who walked into a room with confidence because she knew what she carried with her; good or bad, she had a sense of her worth and didn't feel less than anyone.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know when someone else has something going on to which I cannot hold a candle, and I admire that in others.  I think its wonderful.  My value was not diminished by any one else's light!  I knew that if I fell in love with someone, they were getting a full, beautiful and passionate love. My space was worth being in. I knew that when I went to work at anything, the instruments I needed were finely tuned.

Somewhere along the way, I left those finely tuned instruments out in the rain.  I neglected myself.  I lost something.  Now, I am hesitant paralyzed.  I feel that nothing about me is.....anything special.  I don't feel that anything about me is worth anyone else's time.  I used to be the sexy thick womyn; the one who could blow your mind any way I wanted. Now, I'm just the fat, nerdy broad.

I'm not trying to have a pity party. Just need to get this out.  And since I am the only person reading this, it may make me feel better to just get it out.  I am not the person I was 3-5 years ago.  I know I should change, but it's supposed to be for the better.  Isn't it?

I feel that I have lost everything.  The sexy, sassy, confident, good girl/bad girl I used to be is no longer here.  Believe me, I keep searching.   Should I offer a reward? It would be worth it.  I must have done something to deserve this, but for the life of me I cannot think of anything for which I haven't apologized.

No, I am not as low as I was a few months ago, but I have to keep reminding myself that I am still raw.  There are few, precious few spots that aren't raw.  The healing is long and hard. This is my coldest winter ever.

If anyone finds my inner Mae West and Bettie Page, my Mama-Mojo, please send them home.

Please.

Peace,
 Stormie

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Did Dante Know You?

 
Acheron - the river of woe
Cocytus - the river of lamentation
Phlegethon - the river of fire
Lethe - the river of forgetfulness
Styx - the river of hate

Acheron and Cocytus, woe and lamentation.  I finally escaped their muck and mire.
Phlegethon, the fire. Oh, I have been forged and refined by the heat.
Lethe, forgetfulness. Who knew hell could offer a blessing?
Styx, hate.  This is where I take my leave, and pray these waters leave me be.
Even your brand of hades cannot take away the god in me.




Monday, July 18, 2011

Love...

Love...
looks ahead;
forgives;
is not fearful;
isn't resentful;
doesn't cut;
isn't a weapon;
doesn't hurt;
is healthy;
is sexy;
is playful;
is funny;
talks late into the night:
laughs often;
does not tear up the very foundation on which it's built;
doesn't cut with words or deeds;
isn't passive-aggressive;
is a soft place;
offers cushion from the bruises the world can offer;
doesn't strangle joy;
blushes red with passion again and again, and again;
allows us to shelter each other;
dries tears;
rubs backs;
takes joy in anothers joy;
is naughty;
loves back;
cradles;
cushions;
is beautiful;
is a gift;
doesn't look back;
is worth the gamble. Get lucky;
is loose and free;
is more precious than gold;
is free;
is Free;
IS FREE!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Happy Memorial Day

My post for this weekend is on Indigo Storm.   http://indigostorm.blogspot.com/2011/05/happy-memorial-day.html

Have a beautiful weekend.

If you know any Veterans, let them know you appreciate them.  If you know any who could have been exposed to Agent Orange, love them enough to tell them to have their doctor check them for kidney disease.

Peace,

Storm

Friday, April 1, 2011

what melts away...

With the exception of my job and my family, of course, my life looks nothing today like it did a few years ago. I am very different; physically, emotionally and spiritually different. I feel less than I was, like I have lost so very much. I look back on what I knew for sure, and now I have to laugh because I am not sure of anything.

I find myself alone and starting over. I am here with nothing but plants and boxes. I need to get used to being by myself. I don't have to take care of anything but my plants, besides myself of course. I hate coming home to an empty apartment, but I sleep better than I did before. I have a better view; hopefully my outlook will follow.

I have been through the deepest valley, deeper than anything I could ever imagine.  I'm not through it yet, but God is great and now I think I can see a faint light.  The pieces I can see of myself are unrecognizable. Sometimes, I think I shouldn't move further into the light because I am afraid of what I will see.  I have been lost in that valley for well over a year, with some companions- wine, sorrow, immobility, and bitter tears. Did I mention the wine?  It has been a long time since I felt like the old me.  I felt better for a while but sabotaged it--amazing what depression will tell you.

So, now what? What do you do when you feel like a stranger in your own life? When you emerge from the storm cellar only to find a foreign landscape, how do you begin?  I realize that I was a poison to everything and everyone.  I have done irreparable damage to relationships and my career. I realize that the best thing to do is take a handful of pills or jump over the balcony take it a day at a time, be kind to myself, ease off the wine, and pray that when I make it into the light, i still have the parts of me that I used to like.

Peace

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

still learning

I love too hard, I know I do. I love until it’s more important than…well,  more important than me.

 I love for keeps. I love until I’m too bruised to be of any use to myself.

 That is not love.  (No, I won't break car windows, or stalk anyone)

 I don’t know how to love without squeezing the life out of it. I run full force, crashing into the walls people build to protect themselves. I run until I'm tired and bruised and breathless; cry until my eyes are swollen. I don’t stop until I am too broken to not stop.



Mine is not a healthy way to love.



I find myself spent and having surrendered in the ashes. And the love I suffered over had been protected in their protective walls. They awaken to find only embers where a lover had been standing, unattended. The loss seems sudden and unfair.



So I can share the only thing I know for sure…



No one should thrash against protective glass. The only one who hears you is you.

Oh, and don’t mistake suffering for love. The suffering, that’s life.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Kindred Spirit

Kindred spirit please know that I see you, through the tears and the pain. 
Kindred spirit please know that I hear you, through the wind and the rain.

This pain we know, not many have felt: the depth of the emptiness
      and the breadth of the sorrow.
This dispair that comes wandering in like a vagabond or
      blowing in like a storm.

How can we explain the struggle it is to remain rooted in the midst of a tsunami?

    After the roar of the winds leaves in its wake pain, devastation and an exhaustion which seem eternal.
    After the roar of the winds is silence...

a strong, loving, comforting voice says:(Isaiah 40:28-31)




28Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.


29He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

30Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

31But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.



Who are we to doubt His word?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Have Never Been More

The love I feel for you,
Deep, nurturing;
Is the purest thing I have ever felt.

The joy you give,
Consumes, warms;
It extends to wherever I dare venture.

The beauty of a new life,
Innocent, dependent;
Is the biggest adventure I have ever embarked upon.

I have never been more at peace
Than here, now;
with you in my arms.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Happiness and Change

    This past weekend I met with a group of women who are new to me.  This is my second month meeting with them and I am nervous and excited to be in their midst.  I find them interesting and creative, intelligent and funny, myriad and beautiful.  I found myself trying to figure out how I factor into this group.  I have, so far, come away with some new pebble to turn over repeatedly in terms of a new thought or way of looking at things.  It's an exciting addition to my life and since being a feminist is really central to who I am, it's an honor.

    So, we talked about change. At first I thought, well I don't have any big changes going on so I'll be doing a lot of listening. Change is terrifying for me. Change can incapacitate me. No, I don't get uptight because I have to learn something new or a brand changes it's packaging.  I am talking about real changes: moving, a new job, ending or beginning a relationship.  The real stuff stops me in my tracks.  I would sit still in an unhealthy relationship for years before braving the unknown.  My best friend and I call it dealing with the blank.  I don't want to do it, anything beats the blank. 

   As I began talking I realized, I have a great deal of change in my life right now.  I mean really, my life in about six months will look unlike it has in my whole life.  The way things are is drastically different from how it was 2 years ago.  This is the first time in my adult life that I have only had to take care of myself.  I am free to do whatever I want.

   So, I took three classes last semester.  I am not sure that the 'American Dream' of the house in the suburbs is going to fit my life--or pocket.  If I wake up and don't cook or clean, then so what.  It's actually foreign to me.  I have finally gotten used to living alone, for the most part.

    So, if I want to pick up and move across the country, I can.  If I want to quit my job and take a position that pays less but is more fulfilling, I can.  I don't want to make less money or worry about benefits. I also don't want to sit in a position with zero opportunity for growth. 

    My cousin, Nick, has been trying to get me to move to Las Vegas for at least 8 years.  He can't understand why I insist on having a job before I move.  It was different then, I had my daughter.  However, I still have that hesitation.  I hate this city; the weather, the people, the mentality. The only thing I absolutely adore is the lake.  Living by a lake is incredible.  I cannot imagine living somewhere without a large body of water.

    I actually have a great deal of change in my life.  It's quite a crossroads.  Like most major crossroads I have faced, it has come towards the end of a major depression. It's as if I have to go through some horrible emotional rebirth and if I manage to survive, everything is different.  The problem is that I often lose something along the way.  This journey has cost me dearly and I just don't know how much more I can lose.

   OK, yes, that really is bullshit.  I do realize that if I stay, I will still be depressed and will lose even more. I realize that I would probably lose less if I didn't fight change until all I had left were tatters.  If I were to let go when that first insistent gust tried to urge me on my way, I would be better off.  I wouldn't have lost my rose-colored glasses, my sense of easiness and confidence with myself, or my confidence in my creativity.

   So, I guess the question now is, how much more do I need to lose. What am I willing to do without?  I already have precious little sanity, and my creativity is starting to slowly brew again. 

  Wow.  I lose even more when I fight change.

  That's big.

  So, now what do I do?  Where do I start?