Saturday, December 30, 2006


I don't know what to title this posting because I really don't know, right now, where I am going with it.

For Thanksgiving, my mother cooked most of the food and brought it to my house for dinner. The deal was I was to cook for Christmas. So, I called mom, verified that she was still coming and set of to purchase and cook.

I cooked food for about 8 people, even though I knew there would only be 4 of us eating dinner (holiday meals are no fun without leftovers). I had to be at work at 6 AM Christmas morning, so I cooked a little 2 days before, then most everything else on Christmas Eve. Whatever I did not cook, my daughter finished on Christmas while I was at work.

I called my mom's cell phone at 4:30 PM on my way home from work, got her voice mail and left her a message. "Hi Mommy! Merry Christmas! The food should be ready, I am about 5 minutes away from home so I hope you're on your way. OK, see you in a few minutes, I love you. Bye."

My mother NEVER called me back.

Not only did she not call me back, she did not come over for Christmas dinner.

She did not call the day after Christmas either.

My mother called my house on Wednesday, two days after the holiday and said:

"Hey. How long have you been up?"

"Well, all day."

"Oh, well, I'm gonna come by and drop some stuff off. I will see you later."

When she arrives, she offers no apology (which at 38 years old, I know better than to expect) and no explanation. I still have not even heard the words 'Merry Christmas' from my mother.

She is all grins like nothing happened.

So she puts gifts down.

I give her the gifts that have been under the tree for the past 2 days. I finally manage to calmly say, "We missed you on Christmas."

She says " Oh, I went with Sister to one of her co-worker's. He has a nice house. We had prime rib and duck with orange sauce. But, I didn't try the duck. It was really nice."

I am standing in my living room in front of my mother and daughter and I want to tell her to get out of my house. I want to know what the fuck is wrong with her and I want to ask her why she could not have told me that she really had no intention of coming to my house for dinner.

What did I do to her that spending Christmas with strangers was so appealing?

What the FUCK is that about?

I felt embarrassed. I look stupid looking for my mother to arrive at my home for dinner and she doesn't show up.

No, this is not about how it looked.

It is about how I felt.

For quite some time now I have felt that my mother has no use for me. I mean, yes, she's proud of me and loves me. She knows if something happened I'd be there for her. She knows she can trust me to do any financial transactions and would give her my last. My only purpose for my mother is to be there for her in case she gets sick.
But, she has no real use for me. She could take me or leave me.

Actually, to be perfectly honest with myself, she could leave me.

And has.

I mean, how low on her list could I be if I did not even deserve a phone call.

And, yeah, I know....WAHHH! Right? I am crying like a little baby, but FUCK!

I am talking about my mother.

I am angry.

I think I am fair to be angry.

But it becomes unhealthy because I am angry with myself. How many times will I allow my mother to just do whatever to me and I accept it?

How long am I supposed to remain open to her?

How am I supposed to trust my feelings to her?

How do you only close the gate halfway?

I am kind of an all-or-nothing kind of woman. You're either in or your out. I trust you or I don't.

But with my mother, I love her, but I don't trust her.

I wanted to push the issue and tell her that she hurt our feelings by blowing us off for Christmas, and I did not. I knew that it would just lead to an argument.

But, what did I really avoid? I mean, I am angry with her anyway. I don't want to see her or talk to her. I am just LIVID.

She never apologizes. I have never gotten a straight apology from my mother. Her apologies are always Pyrrhic victories--you win but it costs much more than you would ever gain. What would be the point in that?

I feel like I did as a child, just so frustrated by her and like I belonged to another mother. I just had to belong to someone who had real feelings and empathy.

OK, maybe the name of this posting could be childhood. or depression. or anger. I recall now my first depression. Winter 76/77, we had a tragedy in the family, my uncle died in an apartment fire. We all lived in the same building. We came home from shopping for a Christmas tree to find our building fully involved and no one could get to Uncle Lawrence's apartment. That winter and spring I was withdrawn and sullen.

I was clinically depressed at 8 years old.

When I tried to talk to my dad, my mother would shush me, because he was grieving his brother.

When I tried to talk to her, she would not hear me or I would not be able to find the words.

I felt so very alone. I wondered why no one wanted to know about me. I wondered what was wrong with me.

Some days, like Christmas evening, I wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me that my own mother would rather be anywhere but here?

This has offered some clarity. Maybe there is more to my Seasonal Affective crap than just daylight and chemicals? Maybe I need to figure out how to leave the gate partially closed. Maybe there are reasons for my insecurities and feeling less than.

I won't go all Freudian and blame everything on my mother, but hell, I can see that there are some issues that I used to pass over as 'how she is' or even worse 'i just get a little sad', but there is more to it and I deserve to be honest with myself and see the whole picture.

Whatever it holds I am finally ready to see it all.

And by all means, if my viewpoint is askew(or in any other way: all off*, all wet*, all wrong, amiss, awry, defective, fallacious, false, faulty, flawed, inaccurate, incorrect, inexact, invalid, misguided, mistaken, off, specious, spurious, unfounded, unsound, untrue, way off, wrong number ), please tell me.

I was wished courage for Christmas, I think I could use it already.



  1. Wow, Storm, I don't know what to say about this except that you have every right to feel hurt, angry, betrayed and everything else that you feel. I don't think there is any excuse for what your mother did. None.

    It's awful that we put up with things from our families that we would never allow a friend or a stranger to do to us.

    I wouldn't presume to give you any advise on this issue except to not take anything on as your fault or your responsibility. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You deserve all the love and respect in the world from everyone in your world. If you're not getting it, only you can determine what's the best course of action for you and for your mental and emotional health.

    I hope that 2007 is a year of joy and wonderful possibilities for you.

  2. Wow is a good way to put it.

    We do allow our families to do things that we would not accept from others.

    It's funny that it pulled so many other things to the surface. I usually try to suppress things like this but I have to deal with this, one way or another. I know my mother is NOT going to change, so I have to place some sort of barrier there. I just don't know what yet.

    Thanks for your feedback. Thanks for 'listening'.

    I am looking forward to 2007. I hope your new year brings all you need and what you wish.

    ps. i found that bottle of wine! YEAH!

  3. It's good that you've recognized that the change has to happen in you. The only things we can control are our actions and our reactions to other peoples' actions. We can't control their actions. You'll figure out the best course of action. I have faith in you. :)

    Oh, I'm so glad that you found that bottle of wine. Yeah!!! I look forward to your thoughts on it.

    Here's a great little wine book. It's small enough to take shopping or to a restaurant and it's full of great info. It's called "Andrea Robinson's 2007 Wine Buying Guide for Everyone". It's $12.95 and available everywhere. She has a wine show on the Fine Living Network and many other books out. My cousin's husband is a sommelier and Andrea is a colleague of his. He gave me one of her early books when she was known as Andrea Immer called, "Great Wine Made Simple". It's been a great introduction to wine.

  4. I'm with Kelly - be good to yourself. It is ok to have those feelings. I had them for years over my father. We had much of the same relationship you and your mother had. I finally had to let it go and realize that he will never change and start being good to myself and taking care of myself. I wish you the best in dealing with this.

  5. I appreciate your support Trinity2. I am proud of myself for not having a total meltdown over it.

    Everything is a dance. Balance, timing, and knowing when to leave the floor. My timing is off, but I have kept my balance.


  6. OMG!!! You poor baby.
    How painful.
    And what a FUCKING BITCH.

    The fact that you left her that phone message on the way home,
    She should have at least called.

    The thing is, no way would I not confront her about this...
    But I am much older than you, and in fact my mother has passed now. (It was a happy day.)

    But I see this crap going on with my lover & HER children.. they tell her they'll come for tgiving, xmas etc, then just blow her off & not show up, not even call. She does not call them on it, she is just loving. But I myself can't stand the damn bastards. Then I have to pretend to love them when they Do show up on their whims.

    Families suck. Next time I'm going for an orphan.