still learning

I love too hard, I know I do. I love until it’s more important than…well,  more important than me.

 I love for keeps. I love until I’m too bruised to be of any use to myself.

 That is not love.  (No, I won't break car windows, or stalk anyone)

 I don’t know how to love without squeezing the life out of it. I run full force, crashing into the walls people build to protect themselves. I run until I'm tired and bruised and breathless; cry until my eyes are swollen. I don’t stop until I am too broken to not stop.



Mine is not a healthy way to love.



I find myself spent and having surrendered in the ashes. And the love I suffered over had been protected in their protective walls. They awaken to find only embers where a lover had been standing, unattended. The loss seems sudden and unfair.



So I can share the only thing I know for sure…



No one should thrash against protective glass. The only one who hears you is you.

Oh, and don’t mistake suffering for love. The suffering, that’s life.

Kindred Spirit

Kindred spirit please know that I see you, through the tears and the pain. 
Kindred spirit please know that I hear you, through the wind and the rain.

This pain we know, not many have felt: the depth of the emptiness
      and the breadth of the sorrow.
This dispair that comes wandering in like a vagabond or
      blowing in like a storm.

How can we explain the struggle it is to remain rooted in the midst of a tsunami?

    After the roar of the winds leaves in its wake pain, devastation and an exhaustion which seem eternal.
    After the roar of the winds is silence...

a strong, loving, comforting voice says:(Isaiah 40:28-31)




28Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.


29He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

30Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

31But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.



Who are we to doubt His word?

I Have Never Been More

The love I feel for you,
Deep, nurturing;
Is the purest thing I have ever felt.

The joy you give,
Consumes, warms;
It extends to wherever I dare venture.

The beauty of a new life,
Innocent, dependent;
Is the biggest adventure I have ever embarked upon.

I have never been more at peace
Than here, now;
with you in my arms.

Happiness and Change

    This past weekend I met with a group of women who are new to me.  This is my second month meeting with them and I am nervous and excited to be in their midst.  I find them interesting and creative, intelligent and funny, myriad and beautiful.  I found myself trying to figure out how I factor into this group.  I have, so far, come away with some new pebble to turn over repeatedly in terms of a new thought or way of looking at things.  It's an exciting addition to my life and since being a feminist is really central to who I am, it's an honor.

    So, we talked about change. At first I thought, well I don't have any big changes going on so I'll be doing a lot of listening. Change is terrifying for me. Change can incapacitate me. No, I don't get uptight because I have to learn something new or a brand changes it's packaging.  I am talking about real changes: moving, a new job, ending or beginning a relationship.  The real stuff stops me in my tracks.  I would sit still in an unhealthy relationship for years before braving the unknown.  My best friend and I call it dealing with the blank.  I don't want to do it, anything beats the blank. 

   As I began talking I realized, I have a great deal of change in my life right now.  I mean really, my life in about six months will look unlike it has in my whole life.  The way things are is drastically different from how it was 2 years ago.  This is the first time in my adult life that I have only had to take care of myself.  I am free to do whatever I want.

   So, I took three classes last semester.  I am not sure that the 'American Dream' of the house in the suburbs is going to fit my life--or pocket.  If I wake up and don't cook or clean, then so what.  It's actually foreign to me.  I have finally gotten used to living alone, for the most part.

    So, if I want to pick up and move across the country, I can.  If I want to quit my job and take a position that pays less but is more fulfilling, I can.  I don't want to make less money or worry about benefits. I also don't want to sit in a position with zero opportunity for growth. 

    My cousin, Nick, has been trying to get me to move to Las Vegas for at least 8 years.  He can't understand why I insist on having a job before I move.  It was different then, I had my daughter.  However, I still have that hesitation.  I hate this city; the weather, the people, the mentality. The only thing I absolutely adore is the lake.  Living by a lake is incredible.  I cannot imagine living somewhere without a large body of water.

    I actually have a great deal of change in my life.  It's quite a crossroads.  Like most major crossroads I have faced, it has come towards the end of a major depression. It's as if I have to go through some horrible emotional rebirth and if I manage to survive, everything is different.  The problem is that I often lose something along the way.  This journey has cost me dearly and I just don't know how much more I can lose.

   OK, yes, that really is bullshit.  I do realize that if I stay, I will still be depressed and will lose even more. I realize that I would probably lose less if I didn't fight change until all I had left were tatters.  If I were to let go when that first insistent gust tried to urge me on my way, I would be better off.  I wouldn't have lost my rose-colored glasses, my sense of easiness and confidence with myself, or my confidence in my creativity.

   So, I guess the question now is, how much more do I need to lose. What am I willing to do without?  I already have precious little sanity, and my creativity is starting to slowly brew again. 

  Wow.  I lose even more when I fight change.

  That's big.

  So, now what do I do?  Where do I start?

untitled

i went and got a nice big box,
i wrapped it with a nice big bow,
i gave it to my lover,
i gave it to my love.

she put the lid back on the box
and moved it to the side.
she thanked me for my thoughtfulness
and said she knows i tried.

imagine my surprise to see, oh my surprise to find
my love used it to dust the room and make the windows shine.
she tidied up her room and then to clean the car
and after all that work, it's on the floor in the dark.

she used it til it shredded and dulled.  she used it til it faded
she used it til it fell apart, was all used up and degraded.
she threw it in the garbage can, she threw it in the bin,
Now she wants me to show my love, where do I begin?

Iona Rozeal Brown at MOCA Cleveland

There are two exhibits at MOCA Cleveland until about May 9, 2010.   From Then To Now: Masterworks of Contemporary African American Art features many well known artists like Kara Walker, Faith Ringgold, Alison Saar, Richard Hunt, Willie Cole, Kehinde Wiley and Alma W. Thomas.  It was fabulous.

The other exhibit is Iona Rozeal Brown's All Falls Down.   This exhibit is fabulous!   This exhibit is based on a mythology which features a warrior, yoshi and villains, E.I.N. (everything i'm not) and the hoochie puti.  Brown uses a mix of Japanese Ukiyo-e prints and hip-hip imagery in her vivid works. 

I was beyond impressed.  I was thrilled.  The mythology was indepth, the heroines looked like me--curvy with natural hair.  This art made me feel fantabulous.  This is what art is supposed to do for one's spirit.

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why

The beauty of a sonnet.  I just wanted to share 

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why       by Edna St. Vincent Millay

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,

I have forgotten, and what arms have lain

Under my head till morning; but the rain

Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh

Upon the glass and listen for reply,

And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain

For unremembered lads that not again

Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.

Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,

Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,

Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:

I cannot say what loves have come and gone,

I only know that summer sang in me

A little while, that in me sings no more.

an old attempt at haiku

Sensual kisses
Hidden from the light of day
Overwhelm the night

Just A Question

If I tell you that thunderstorms turn me on......

and you sit outside...to wait it out....

...

...

Are you waiting out the storm or this Storm?

I Am The Pin-Up Queen Of My Own Universe

I watched The Notorious Bettie Page for my favorite class. Yes, it was for school! Really!

Anyway.  I have a very different aesthetic when it comes to certain things.  That being said, I adore Bettie Page. I don't look at her photos and judge her harshly, I laugh and enjoy her as it seems she enjoyed herself. I view Anna Nicole Smith and Marilyn Monroe in much the same light.  But Bettie is different. The director, Mary Harron described Bettie as innocent, like a playful, little girl playing dress-up.  She had no agenda.  She would never fit the role of feminist. Though she clearly enjoyed the attention of the camera, as well as various states of undress, there was still a genuine sensuality and enjoyment that never reached the point of vulgarity.  (I know, what I find adorable is another person's vulgar, and viva la difference!)

In the film, a female photographer Bunny Yeager says there is something about Bettie.  It's like she's nude but not naked.  It just seems that she's comfortable with her sexuality.  There was no sex in her movies or photos and compared to today's porn, hers is just fluff.  The thing about her is that innocence and that openness.

I think there is a little bit of Bettie Page's spirit in me.  Wait a minute, I know I am NO ONE'S idea of a Pin-Up, but if you read Last Night I Decolonized My Thighs maybe you will understand what I mean. Though, I am a bit vulgar in that post, there is a bit of unabashedness to it that I love about myself. I love being able to be myself. I enjoy being able to be open and playful.  I love for my love to be receptive and safe so that I may open up even more.  Within a loving, receptive relationship should there be a limit? Need there be?  Yes, of course there are limits to every person's comfort level, but I hope to find the limit of mine. This part of me, however, is not very agressive. It's actually pretty shy, and though I will try to let this side show, if it is pushed away, then it's something that doesn't come back easily. And what I end up wondering is why can't I be fully ME.

What would that look like? Where would that leave me? Is there anyone out there who can handle that? Anyone who wants to? When I am happy and open, I am creative and playful, more outgoing and just better. When I feel loved for who I am it is the most awesome thing ever. If I am able to find what I love to do, should I have to hold back?  It doesn't make sense. It has been a while since I tapped into my inner Bettie-- I may be more Ugly Bettie than Bettie Page, but you get my drift.  What matters is being able to be who we are, being able to be freely ourselves, and being loved just as we are. The real question is what am I willing to do to be fully open?

Busy

I am back in school at my advanced age.  The thing of it is, now that I have raised my daughter I cannot get any financial help.   That is not fair.

I am enjoying it though.  I bit off a bit too much by going back full time...nothing like jumping right into the deep end.  So, I am determined not to drown.  Being an 'adult' student helps though.   I am more confident.  I am enjoying writing.  I am nervous though.  The first time I took a class on this campus, I was 17 years old and so lost.  I wasn't confident.  I didn't know what the professor was talking about and I felt that I shouldn't be there.  I felt that everyone else in the room understood.  Now, if I'm lost, I speak up. I assume that other people are lost also, and even if they aren't, I AM.   I am probably annoying to the other students but I don't care about that either.  It's kinda cool.

I actually love all 3 of my classes, all for different reasons.  I really like my women's studies prof.,  she's cool, smart, unabashedly feminist, awesome!   I like my religion class so far because we are reading various theories.  It's sort of dry, but it makes sense and is very interesting. It makes me look at things differently.  My english class is awesome for me because I am learning things that I need to know and enjoying putting it to use.  I sit at the front, and have to make myself not monopolize the conversation.  I love it.  I Love It.  I LOVE IT!

I like to learn.  It feels as good as writing and painting, cooking, creating. 

I even started a poem yesterday.  There's no telling when it will be finished, but I started it.

Happy 2010!

  I am so happy to see a new year.    Let's get rolling 2010.  I have things to do. 

No, no resolutions.  I generally don't make them.  I tend to start things in January because the holidays have ended but that's about it.  I have things I need to work on, as ever, but no real resolutions. 

All I have is the feeling that things will be better for me this year, especially since last year was so very difficult.  This new year's feels like a wide open window on the first seasonable day. 

Fresh air; a new start; a clean slate.

Happy New Year.